There’s this one song by Greg Laswell, “Take a Bow” that I would listen to everyday it was the only thing I could listen to for a long time.
It was one of the darkest times of my life. Seems a life time ago, and at 20 years old people might question this. I mean what could I really know about anything…
It wasn’t something that just showed up out of nowhere, no, it had slowly creeped up on me. I had never felt so alone and vulnerable it felt like this inexplicable pain was slowly eating me alive. I searched and searched looking for what could be wrong but I didn’t fit into the typical “depression” category. I had an appetite, I didn’t have trouble sleeping, some days were really good others were bad it was normal. It’s just my period I kept repeating to myself. But my period came and went it everything was still very wrong. I experienced constant anxiety attacks, I wasn’t just sad I was angry, my libido was gone, I slept to much, I was tired all the time, I couldn’t concentrate; I didn’t want to die but like the songs title I wanted to take a bow. All I wanted was to sleep for days, months, years how ever long it would take for whatever was gnawing at my insides, slowly killing my spirit, to go away. I don’t know why it took me so long to talk to someone. So many people I knew had gone through similar issues but I was embarrassed I guess. Well maybe not embarrassed but like what I was feeling didn’t measure up to what other people were feeling. I had it good why should I feel the way? I felt I had no right.
It awhile but eventually I asked for help. Thanks to a wonderful support system, including a counselor who was able to put a name to my illness I am in a place where I can talk about these things. It hasn’t been easy and for a long time I woke up every morning wondering whether today would be the day I finally break? I still wake up sometimes wondering whether today might be good or bad but I know now that there is always help.
- Robin Williams, like many others saw no other way out. However there is always help it can be the hardest step you take but it has the biggest payoff, your life.